read this first: the purpose of my writing + why i am sharing it with you

read this first. i’m only ever going to write about this once. now.

in pursuit of thinking that is free, clear, and pure, i openly write my thoughts.

in pursuit of living a life that is authentic, i sincerely write my approach.

in pursuit of realizing truth, i nakedly write my interpretations of my experiences and my understanding of truth.

all to be questioned, examined, and critiqued.

not by you. by me. it does not matter to me, at all, what you think.

i write to help myself understand what i am thinking, feeling, and experiencing.

this piece is the one and only time i will ever address you, the “reader”, or even refer to the idea of a “reader” of my writing.

by committing myself to publicly share what i write, i hope it is beneficial for me. i hope it creates a sense of consideration to compel me to write with enough clarity and scrutiny that an uninvested, uninterested, and ignorant reader may understand it.

i do not claim to have any knowledge or intelligence; that doesn’t really matter. one can know and understand a lot — a lot, a lot, a lot — and still realize nothing about the truth of anything.

if some other idiot like me cannot understand what i write, of what value is it to me, really? how true is it, really? if they cannot understand it, it probably indicates that i am failing to articulate it. which probably indicates that i don’t understand it as well as i think do.

so, i hope that inviting the circumstances in which someone might find and read what i write will be enough to drive me to write with at least a little more clarity than if i were to write in a protected vacuum.

i am not in pursuit of false positives, where i think something is true and it is not. where i think something makes sense and it does not. even if nobody ever reads my writings — which is most likely—i hope this makes me ask myself, “if anyone else were to read this, would this make any fucking sense to them at all? or are you just deluding yourself?”

in truth, i’m a coward because i’m publishing under an alias. so i’m already alleviating myself of sensitivity to the judgement of others.

that, too, is intentional. there’s no way i would get myself to ever publish my most authentic and purest thoughts under my real name. my attachment to my ego and societal persona is too strong to do that. it is not the judgement of others that i fear, but the potential implications of that judgement and how that may affect my position, placement, and treatment in society.

so, i’m a coward. for now. and i’m completely okay with it. for now. the perception and expectation of anonymity is enough to get me past the hurdle to publish.

i do not intend to write my opinions, but rather my understanding of truth. not to present an argument or a perspective. but to articulate an objective understanding of something that any idiot like me could read and accept as correct and true. without any need for tactics to convince them.

that’s a high bar to aspire to. it’s what science sets out to achieve. unfiltered, uncoloured, unequivocal truth. fact. proof!

how much of anything i think i understand can i say i understand at that level? nothing comes to mind. i don’t really know for sure how anything works. what i call truth is just me taking someone else’s word for it + enough other people also accepting it as truth + subjectively sufficient supporting evidence. that’s the formula for me, and a lot of others too.

so if you’re reading this, and think it may be worth reading because the writer may be a knowledgeable or intelligent person, i’ll tell you:

i don’t really know the truth about anything. not even the simplest things. i act like i do, i pretend that i do, but i assure you, i don’t.

i’ll also tell you:

i write whatever i want, whenever i want. i publish whatever i want, whenever i want. this may be all i ever write or publish. my objective is not to help or serve you. it is to help and serve me. in the most unlikely event that my writing coincidentally helps or serves you, that would a beautiful and welcomed outcome.

but it is not even remotely my mission or intention. it cannot be. the moment i consider, even a little bit, what value someone else may get from my writing, it will colour what i write, how i write, why i write.

if you’re reading this, i wonder “why?”

you, too, may wish to question “why am i reading this?”

if you are reading this, i’ll use this as opportunity to inform you:

i anticipate that i will be inconsistent. i anticipate that i will contradict myself, between one piece of writing and another. in fact, i hope i do. i am aware that my ability to understand, and my ability to articulate and communicate my understanding, are changing constantly.

if i am completely consistent in my writing it either reflects that i am stagnant or that my understanding is complete and whole.

i do not anticipate that my understanding of anything will ever be whole or complete. if it was, then i would no longer have any reason to write about it. i am writing to help my pursuit of truth, not to communicate or share my understanding.

i’m putting my thoughts on the table for examination, dissection, and critique. not for showcase.

i am writing for the purpose of aiding and supporting the advancement of my understanding.

if i read back something i’ve written and see it to be incorrect, hollow, immature, or incomplete, and i can articulate why — this is a good thing. in fact, this is my goal.

it means i am achieving the advancement that i pursue. it means my process is working as intended. it means i can see and understand, today, what i could not see and understand yesterday.

if i ever read back anything i’ve written and agree with it fully, standing by it with conviction, that almost certainly indicates i am stagnant.

if you’ve made it this far, i reiterate to you:

do not expect anything from me or from my writing. i have nothing to offer you. i have no intention to ever have anything to offer you. my writing is not for you. it is for me. the only reason I am publishing it is for my benefit, not yours.

this is how it has to be for this writing to have any significance for me. and this is how it has to be for this writing to ever have any significance for you.

finally, i’ll say to you:

you are welcome to attempt to communicate with me. i may or may not read your messages, and i may or may not respond to them. you may wish to inquire about who i am, but nothing matters less than that. so i will not waste my or your time in responding to inquiries about my identity or biography. it is the least valuable thing we could possibly discuss.

you are most welcome to examine, dissect, and critique anything i write. know that this would be like giving me a gift, unconditionally. i may or may not read your commentary. i may or may not value or appreciate or understand it. and i may or may not respond to it.

if you’re reading this, i appreciate that you have joined me in the back seat for any part this journey. i hope, for your sake, despite all odds, that whatever time you spend reading my writing does not turn out to be a complete and utter waste for you.

_ achromatic lens | december 11, 2021